A Rare Soul-Searching Post

So I had a mini-breakdown this Sunday, all weepy and just not sure if the whole "full-time mommy" was for me.  Nothing big precipitated this breakdown: Brian was on call this weekend and Nathan's been napping poorly for a few days/weeks.  As in, he won't go down without a fight and takes short naps in the morning and even shorter in the afternoon.  I've been trying to sleep during the morning naps (because Nathan's also been getting up pretty early), but during the afternoon naps I've been rushing in to try and put Nathan back to sleep because only taking a 30 minute afternoon nap will make him WAY too grumpy before bedtime.  So with this schedule, I didn't feel like I was getting "down" time during the day.  Coupled with Brian's always busy schedule which prevents him from being home much while Nathan's awake, I've just been throwing myself a little pity party, which turned into the breakdown on Sunday.

Brian was super supportive, trying to come up with options to make me happier: I could go back to work if I wanted, Mother's day out for Nathan, Brian could try to transfer to an anesthesia residency in Knoxville so that we'd be near family to help me (yes, he offered this, which tells me how seriously he's taking this - I have a WONDERFUL husband, even if I don't seem him near as much as I would like).  Other then Mother's Day Out, which I probably will take advantage of when Nathan's a little older, I didn't think any of these things would "fix" the situation and make me happy. 

I've been praying the past few nights (and I have NOT been praying as much as I should), just saying "God, I just don't know..." and hoping for something to give.

Since Sunday, Nathan's been taking slightly longer naps in the afternoon, and I've been making myself just sit and take some "me" time so that I feel like I got a break that day.  Today I was looking at this random blog that I follow of a stay-at-home mom of 5 kids, and found this post about why she stays at home.  And here's how she sums it up:

It's the little things... the things that come up once in awhile, the bouts of colic, the annoying stages, the private bathroom dilemmas, the runny noses, just a bad days (or weeks)...those are REALLY the reasons I stay home. The hard stuff. The "no fun" stuff.

I want ME to be the one that takes care of all those things. I trust myself. I'm his mother. Who loves him more? I love having never to doubt he's getting the best care every day no matter how impossible he's being. I don't think anyone can do it better than me. I'm not conceited. I'm not bragging. I'm not patient all the time. I am not full of myself. But I do think only me and their Dad LOVE these kids more than anyone else on earth. And not LOVE, the typical meaning that comes to mind.

But LOVE...the hard way.
 
And this made me think about WHY I'm staying at home.  And I guess I hadn't given it as much thought as one might expect.  I'm staying at home because that's what my mom did, because that's what I always planned on doing, because Brian's going to be able to support our family on one income as soon as residency's over, because I didn't want Nathan in some random daycare with random people taking care of him all the time, because its nice to be able to go to the pool or get errands done during the day.  But none of these reasons are really good enough to keep me from questioning my decision when we're going through a rough patch. 
 
But what that other mom said resonated with me.  No child is going to be perfect all the time, and its completely unrealistic for me to think that Nathan would be.  So when things aren't going perfectly, instead of resenting XYZ, maybe I should recognize that this is the crux of the matter.  Do I want ME to deal with XYZ, or do I want someone else dealing with it?  I DO have that choice, we could pay someone to take care of him and I could go back to work.  But who would I trust more to react in the most positive, loving fashion (even though I know I need to work on this)?  Maybe I need to give myself a little kick in the pants and change my attitude.  If my end goal is to raise Nathan to be a strong and loving Christian man, I feel like God has given me the ability to do that.  But not if I'm always feeling sorry for myself for one reason or another.  I'm not the only mom whose husband isn't around as much as they'd like.  At least Brian isn't deployed for months on end! 
 
So I guess since I've decided to publish all this, I want you all to know that I'm struggling some.  I would appreciate your prayers and encouragement.  Nathan and I have had some good days this week, so I'm feeling more upbeat, but I know that we'll have a bad day sooner or later.  And I pray that next time a rough patch comes, I can remember that one reason I choose to stay home is BECAUSE I know there will be bad days along with the good.  Not "chose" but "choose", as in a decision that I am continually making, not one I made a while ago and I'm stuck with. 

I want to end this post on a positive note, so I'm going to count a few of my blessings.  Nathan is very healthy.  He is super cute, has an adorable smile and a wonderful laugh.  And he loves to laugh.  And when he laughs, I laugh with him!  I have a wonderful family and group of friends.  I can't think of anything I've ever REALLY needed that I didn't have.  And throughout my life, there were times when I didn't understand God's plan for me, but looking back I can see how God has used the situations and challenges that have faced me to build me into the person that I am today.  Thank you God for being so generous to me!